Pssst…Can you hear me?…Are you listening?
In my previous post I talked about losing my legs and finding them (read it here), and how I’ve started looking at my life events and patterns in a way that resonates with my soul. I now use that lens more and more frequently to help me understand myself and my life and in today’s post I am sharing recent example of how this approach is helping me on my soul’s journey…
I had a parathyroidectomy 3 weeks ago. The parathyroid is a wee four-lobed gland (sitting underneath the thyroid gland) that’s in charge of regulating calcium in our blood stream. When it malfunctions, it can wreak all sorts of havoc with our bones, our brains, our muscles and our heart (which is a muscle too!). The surgery involved making a small slit at the base of my neck and removing the offending node/lobe in hopes that my calcium levels will return to normal, my bones won’t suffer more calcium loss and that overall I’ll feel better. The surgery went well, my blood calcium levels are back to normal and I am feeling ok, so I thought a little reflection on this whole thing might be interesting…
I mentioned in my last post about how I’ve been paying greater attention to my body’s “ailments” in order to help me to understand myself better – through the lens of energies and chakras. In the case of my malfunctioning parathyroid, this would be my “throat chakra” that was having problems. Once again, I recognize a lifelong pattern related to the issues associated with this chakra. According to Caroline Myss, the fifth chakra (throat chakra) is related to:
- Choice and strength of will;
- Personal expression;
- Following one’s dream;
- Using personal power to create; and
- Capacity to make decisions.
She goes on to write,
The symbolic challenge of the Willpower chakra is to progress through the maturation of will: from the tribal perception that everyone and everything around you has authority over you; through the perception that you alone have authority over you; to the final perception, that true authority comes from aligning yourself with God’s will.1
1Myss, Caroline. Anatomy of the Spirit. New York: Random House. 1996. p. 219)
I grew up in a home where corporal punishment was the outcome of being disobedient, or contrary, or stubborn – in essence, exerting my “will”. Apparently one of my earliest “spankings” was the result of me wanting a peanut butter and jam sandwich instead of turkey at a Christmas dinner. Thankfully I don’t have a memory of it as I was likely around 2-3 years old, but I was told that my father was never allowed to discipline me again. If I asked for “too much” when we went shopping, I would be spanked when we got home. One time when we were camping, my father was having a bad day, and I was trying to cheer him up, but I apparently “bugged him too much”, so we packed up and went home. I was put (alone) in the camper on the back of the truck (while mom and dad rode in the cab). I was told I’d get a spanking when we got home. The ride home was about 45 minutes, but it seemed an eternity while I lay there considering the injustice of a spanking when all I had been trying to do was to distract my father from his foul mood. But, true to their words, my mother spanked me for being a bother to my father.
Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t suffer daily physical abuse. Overall, I feel like I had a loving and supportive home. But I do believe that the “spankings” I received played a role in my inability to easily exercise my will, or to fully develop my 5th Chakra. They created in me a belief that everyone has authority over me, and that I’ll suffer some pain (physical or emotional) if I don’t cede to that authority – even when I’m pretty sure they are wrong.
Case in Point: I missed seeing my mother alive one last time because I ceded my authority. Because my then-partner didn’t like my mother very much, we didn’t go to visit her when we were within a couple of hours from her home. (We had moved to Yellowknife a few years prior, but were about to move back into her area, so we were on a house-hunting trip to a city that was within a couple of hours from her home.) I justified my decision to cede my authority to him by saying to myself, and to my mother, that I’d see her more when we moved back to the area…which would only be in a couple more months. But in reality, I was afraid of the arguments that would ensue and the uncomfortable visit that was likely to occur if I “made him” take me to see her. And even though I felt very strongly that I should visit her, I was silent – and nearly 25 years later, I continue to live with the regret of that silence. She died the following week, after I had returned to Yellowknife.
You would think I’d have learned from that experience, but I continue to struggle to speak up or disagree with someone who I believe has authority over me – an employer (I could get fired, or they’d just be mad at me), my partner (who could leave, or just be mad at me), older members of my family and community (they have lived longer and likely know more than me so they must be an authority). Even people who are physically taller/louder/larger or larger than life can reduce me to a quivering mass of tears and nerves. I can put myself down so far that I believe everyone has authority over me. I can be afraid of making the wrong decision (even when it comes to choosing a book or a movie!). I can be so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I end up in “paralysis by analysis”.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I mightn’t have really noticed or considered the impact these fears and my silence, my poor willpower and difficulty with decision-making were having on my life if I hadn’t considered the “ailment” in my throat. That health problem (which had been going on for a long time) got me to pay attention, and once I started paying attention, I had something tangible to work on that would maybe help propel me forward to becoming a better person, a more whole person. From here, as difficult as it is, I am challenging the belief that everyone has authority over me. I am practicing speaking up, I am practicing taking action (even if it’s just baby steps), and I am starting to find a belief in myself and my ability to survive the outcomes of doing so.
On a final note, I don’t blame my parents – they were doing the best they could. But for me, noticing and understanding are the first, necessary steps to healing. My wee parathyroid gland is helping me to gain clarity around my fears of speaking up and bringing my whole self into the world. It’s teaching me that the strength of my “voice” and my “will” are related to my ability to follow my dreams and believe in myself. It’s reminding me to pay attention to the still small voice inside of me that guides me through my life. And, it’s shedding light on old wounds that that I am still working to heal and put behind me.
What “ailments” do you have? Do you think it’s possible to gain a greater understanding of yourself, as I am, by noticing the messages that your body is sending you through its ailments and imbalances? Do you believe you can heal your body by healing some of your thought patterns? I would love for you to share your thoughts in the comments below!
