Now I Get It!

“Pssst…Can you hear me? … Are you listening?”  

Have you ever had an “ah-ha” moment? A moment of such clarity and understanding that you’re shaken by it? A moment of “Why didn’t I see this before? This is SO obvious!  Am I the ONLY one who didn’t get it?!”

I grew up in a small family with a mother who was the quintessential matriarch.  The glue that held the family together with a personality so strong and certain that I was influenced by it even into my adult life.  She was a strong woman – she had to be because she was widowed twice and both times left with a “tween” to raise on her own.  I respected her a lot, but, she also had an Achilles heel.  Maybe it was vanity, but what I saw and understood from her was that aging – getting old – was the worst thing that could happen to us.  She fought it tooth and nail!  That’s not to say she ate particularly well, or exercised a lot to stay fit.  She fought by denying it.  Complaining about it.  Lamenting her youth and lost opportunities.  One poignant memory for me is of her 55th birthday – I was trying to lighten it up a bit by saying that she would now qualify for some seniors discounts now that she was a senior citizen.  She firmly (read angrily) said “Don’t ever call me that!”  And if the look she gave me in that moment could have killed, I wouldn’t be here today telling you this story!  Needless to say when she turned 65, I was mute on the subject.

What I remember most when she spoke of aging was that she still felt like a teenager in her heart and mind.  At the time, I was a teenager looking at her and thinking, “Who are you kidding? How can you have lived my lifetime a couple of times over and still feel like a teenager? Have you looked in a mirror recently?!”  And yet, she maintained that was how she felt, even when she was in such pain that she could hardly move. Even when her knees gave out.  Even when her lungs filled with fluid because her heart couldn’t pump them clear. Even as her body failed, she maintained she still felt like a teenager inside.  I couldn’t see it or understand it.  How can you explain this bizarre phenomenon to a child?  To a know-it-all teen or twenty-something?

As I’ve gotten older, and closer to (or past) those ages I remember her being, I recall her words. And I remember her body…and I’ve been afraid.  I’ve feared getting old.  There was no way I wanted to be like my mom – a teenager trapped in an aging body.  But that’s exactly what’s happened.  And, until recently, I hated it!  I hated the extra pounds.  The injuries…all of those “inevitable” telltale signs of our annual trips around the sun.  All the while, remembering the youthful strength, energy and optimism I had had.  My mind remembered.  My body remembered. My soul remembered.  And I knew in those moments of remembering that she was right.  And I mourned my youth…

But, then one day when I was journalling about where I’d been and where I was now, filled with regret and loathing of my wasted life, I realized she had it wrong!  I’m not a teenager trapped in an aging body.  I am every age I have ever been!  I carry inside of me EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of my life.  And that’s a lot of moments! 

I did the math today (I’m crazy that way), and I calculated that I am approximately 20,802 days old.  That’s 449,248 hours.  Which is 29,954,880 minutes.  Which is 1,797,292,800 seconds old!  (I say approximate because I didn’t break it down to the exact day and time of my birth! )   When I look at my time on the planet and consider that my body holds the memories of every second, every minute, every hour, every day and every year, I can’t be a teenager trapped in here!  I’m not even trapped!  That’s an illusion.  A lie.  And that’s the “ah-ha.”  I am every age I’ve ever been! Every day I wake up and get to start fresh because I haven’t lived these moments yet! And, it’s that way for everyone else on the planet!! 

You might be saying, “Ya, ok Charlene, I get it.  But what’s the big deal?”  Well, for me the big deal is I began to realize that in any given moment, I draw on all of the preceding moments of my life.  For better or worse, in any given moment it could be 12 year-old Charlene at the wheel of my life’s bus. It could be 35 year-old Charlene.  And yes, sometimes it may even be 3 year-old Charlene.   The same goes for anyone I encounter.  We are all a collage – a mosaic – of every single experience found in every single second we’ve been on the planet.

This realization is important as I consider my relationships with myself and with others.  In any circumstance or situation I face, I act in ways that are informed by those millions or billions of seconds that preceded it and I don’t always know, or I’m not necessarily aware of, who’s driving my bus in that moment.  I realized that when I respond to a situation with a strong emotion, whether it’s positive or negative, it’s likely a response that is a habit – something I developed before I was thinking about how to respond.  And, I believed that that was just how it was.  That’s my way of responding.  I have no choice.  But I do! Every day is a new day and I don’t have to do what any other version of me learned to do!

I have realized that within me are millions of different versions of me, and I can make different choices now.  I don’t have to be limited in my responses to those of a hurt and defensive 12-year old.  Or a broken 30 year old.  Or a frightened 3-year old.  Or an overly-optimistic, invincible 20-something!  They’re on the bus, but they don’t automatically get to drive it!  It’s up to me to take them into consideration – or as some might say, take their input under advisement – and decide whether they get to drive or not!    

Another insight I had is that everyone around me is likely going through similar things…in their own way. So many adults I talk to still say what my mom used to say – that they feel like a teenager inside.  But I think if they stopped to think about it, they may realize what I’ve realized and be able to notice that there are many more different versions of themselves inside.  I wonder if maybe we fixate on the teenager or the twenty-something because those are our earliest memories of feeling a sense of power and invincibility in our newly acquired adulthood.  I may never know…but it’s fun to think about…

As I continue to work on developing a better relationship with myself and with my soul, I think that this “ah-ha” moment helps me to see and understand the course of my life better.  When I notice how some of the strong emotions I have interfere with my personal or professional relationships, I reflect on when those responses may have been “installed” as a habit.  Then, in my journal I have a conversation with myself – the me that was whatever age I can identify – and I offer compassion and understanding that I might not have had in those earlier moments.  With my pen in hand, I am holding the hand of that younger me and saying, “I’m here and we’re ok.  You’re ok.  I’ve got you.”

I think I finally understand my mom and if she were still alive I would thank her. If she hadn’t visually and verbally struggled with aging so much, I might not have noticed how I was dealing with it and how it was negatively impacting my life – and my zest for life.  Today, I realize that aging is ok – it beats the alternative!!  And, it’s providing me with perspectives I may not otherwise be able to consider. And oh, by the way, those extra pounds, injuries and other “inevitable signs of aging”?  Well, I’m not letting them get to me…but that’s the subject of another post!

How are you dealing with the aging process?  I’d love for you to share your thoughts below!