Why I Abandoned Resolutions and What I Do Instead

Pssst…Can you hear me?…Are you listening?

It’s that time of year – out with the old, in with the new as the saying goes. It’s a time for reflection on the past and looking forward to the future. It’s often a time for setting goals and making resolutions…

I gave up making New Years Resolutions years ago. For me, the failure to stick with them always reinforced beliefs I had about myself – that I’m weak, that I lack “willpower”, conviction, determination – the “stick-to-itive-ness” that is necessary for a successful life. I think at some point I must have realized that those beliefs about myself weren’t particularly helpful or supportive (I know… “Duh!”). But the thing is, I really believed that this negative self -talk was me being objective about myself, my character, my abilities and even my possibilities of happiness and success. But, in a flash of inspiration, I decided it would be ok to abandon the tradition of making resolutions…and I could feel my soul breathe a sigh of relief, on that front anyway. That doesn’t mean I didn’t still have opportunity to reinforce those beliefs throughout the year. Every time I failed to meet my own expectations of myself and my abilities they cropped back up and knocked me out of whatever pursuit I was working on – sometimes temporarily and often permanently. I just decided to refuse to start a new year by setting myself up for failure.  

Then, a couple of years ago I came across the concept of choosing one word for the year. The idea is that you pick a word to guide you and help you focus throughout the year. This really captured my soul’s imagination, probably because I love words so much! (I have several dictionaries and a thesaurus or two in my house – and yes, I refer to them often!)  So, I thought,  “Holding onto a word as a guidepost for the year – well, I can do that!” Where so many of my other new years schemes were big and bold (read “set me up for failure”), this was subtle. And I wondered, would it support the growth and change that I had hoped for through some of my failed attempts over the years? I had nothing to lose and everything to gain!

The first year I did it, I chose “self-compassion.” (I know – that’s 2 words! But anyone who knows me knows that I can’t use one word when several will do!) If you’re wondering why self-compassion – well, go up and re-read my opening paragraph. That was my life. Years and years of beating myself up when my imperfections showed up. Not just by the second week of January every year…but literally on an almost daily basis. I’ve journalled pages and pages, questioning myself and my worthiness…to the point of questioning my worthiness to live. Beating myself up. Berating myself. I was in an abusive relationship with me! So I figured little reminders to practice self-compassion throughout the year could go a long way to support me more than the abuse I was so used to giving myself.

During that first year, did I always remember those words? No. Did I still beat myself up? Yes. But there was a fairly constant reminder there too – practice self-compassion. Would someone who has self-compassion write and speak of themselves the way I do? No. Years and years of habitual self-talk doesn’t go away quickly – even with gentle reminders. So, I took a second year with those words as my guidepost (and I was ok with that).

Focusing on self compassion has helped me to understand myself more. It’s led me to some amazing books*, articles and blog posts and, perhaps more importantly, has been the source of some incredible healing through writing in my journal. Where I used to beat myself up for every failure, every misstep, every moment of “imperfection” in anything I was doing, I am better equipped to look at those moments with compassion. Do I do it perfectly? No. Do I do it every time? No. But then, that’s what self- compassion is all about – you look at yourself and all that you do and, rather than berating yourself (as I’ve spent my life doing), you remind yourself that you’ve done your very best in the circumstances and you try again.

And finally, now I usually notice when I’m beating myself up. Not always, but even “usually” is a huge step for me. I think that by telling myself I was just being objective or realistic when I was, in fact, abusing myself prevented me from noticing that abuse. It’s easy to accept it – even from yourself – when it’s made to seem so reasonable. But now, I can recognize when it isn’t reasonable. It’s ok to have an inner critic that supports your growth, but you have to set up boundaries too – even with yourself! Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure and a life filled with pain, grief, regret and feelings of unworthiness.

For 2022, I have chosen “I’m Ok” to be my guidepost. I chose these words because I think that inherent in all of the self reflection I’ve done over the last many years has been an underlying belief that I’m broken and need to be fixed. That there’s something wrong with me, otherwise I’d be doing better. I’d be more successful. I’d be thinner. I’d be smarter. I’d be so many different things if I could only just fix this one thing (which of course is really a rabbit hole of things to fix for someone who’s spent a lifetime finding fault with everything about themselves)!  So this year, everything I do that is intended to contribute to my personal growth and development will start from a position of “I’m Ok. I’m adding to who I am, not correcting or fixing some deficiency. I’m building on an already perfectly imperfect me because I want to be a better person tomorrow than I am today…a path my soul has been committed to since I came into this world.”

So, rather than “resolve” that this year (or today or tomorrow) I’m going to do “x” or “y” to fix something about myself (because often that’s what my resolutions are about), I’ll focus on being ok. Believing I’m Ok.

Have you wrestled with unhelpful beliefs about yourself? What word could you invite in as a guidepost for you this year? I’d love for you share your thoughts in the comments below!

* Some of the books that helped me grow my perspectives:

Mindset by Carol S. Dweck
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff